messlife

google searches

do you ever look through your old google searches?  heres a sample of mine:

'underoos for grownups'
'teletubbies cocaine bust'
'testicular cancer jokes'
'breathalizers'
'midget ponies'
'EZ whip whipped cream'
'hogzilla'
'ball jokes'    and obviously

                               'famous actors real heights'

this is how i pass my days

Hotel Porn

Got to my hotel Friday for another wedding this weekend.  All my friends were at the rehearsal dinner and I had a couple hours to kill so I figured I'd hit up the hotel skankvision.  Spent 13 dollars on 'Butt Smugglers 27:  The Early Years'.  Unfortunately I'm retarded and when it started I wanted to fast forward through the credits so I can dive balls deep right into the plot, I heard it might be tough to follow if you didn't catch the first 26 Butt Smugglers.  Well I can't figure out how to stop the fast forward, which I somehow turned on to skip scene by scene and I ended up fast forwarding the whole movie in like a minute and a half.  There's also no rewind.  So 13 dollars on a minute of porn, I'm not even sure if I saw a boob or not. 

IRS douchetwatbags

I think I'm gonna be audited.

White Castle

Super wicked trashed at the wedding Saturday night and miss the last shuttle back to the hotel by a good 2 or 3 hours due to all the liquor we stole from the bar in the reception hall.  After most of it is gone I decide I need to go back to the hotel instead of just crashing at someones room where we already at for free.  No more shuttles so I have the concerciefgergggeee (spelling ?) call me a cab.  Shows up and I tell him where I'm going and instantly pass out.  Reception is in Parsippany NJ and the hotel is 10 minutes away in Parsippany too.  I wake up an hour later and we're by the fucking GW fucking bridge.  An hour in the wrong direction.  So I get all pissed off and start getting all worked up  and I'm like 'Hey driver dude what the fucking shit fuck, why are we at the fucking..... ..........ooooooohhhhh WHITE CASTLE STOP!'.  So I make him go to white castle.  Eat all the tasty little burgers and pass out and wake up fucking lost again.  Took 3 hours to get home on a 10 minute drive, but at least got some white castle out of it, and no, NPH was not there :(

Conversation with coworker

Jarrett:  'Yeah baby, going to the Borgata!'

Scott:  'sweet when'

Jarrett:  'probably midweek in the next couple of weeks . . . need a babysitter first'

Scott:  'I'd volunteer if you had teenage daughters'

Jarrett:  'You're never allowed to go anywhere near my kids.........EVER'

Work Poem

I'm stuck at work.

I have to pee.

If someone pisses me off today.

I'm going to kick them in the head.

Best. Joke. Ever.

This is a joke Parker made up and emailed me a year or two ago.  I saved it because I laugh hysterically whenever I read it:

A young woman went to see the doctor about a problem she was having.

"Doctor, I'm having a problem," said the woman, whose name was Shirley.

"Well, what's the problem, Shirley?"

"I have an intense pain in my abdomen any time I eat seafood."

"Well, that sucks," said the doctor and then he smacked her in the face with a mop bucket. 

Suspened License

I lost my license a few weeks ago (the actual piece of plastic) and haven't been able to find it.  I lose it all the time so I wasn't in any rush to get a new one (the one I had was already a dupe) because it always turns up at some point and it's easier to just wait it out then deal with the fucking DMV (which I think stands for gayest retardeDest fucking branch of governMent eVer).  Well I never find it and 3 or 4 weeks have passed by (I use my passport to get into bars now)  so I email the driver's license people asking what form I need to get a new license.  A few days pass by and  they email me back saying that my shit has been suspended.  Since MAY.  I have been driving with a suspended license for 4 months now.  I'm still not entirely sure why because it's impossible to get a straight fucking answer out of Penndot, but it's either from one of the many tickets / citations I've gotten this year, or from missing a court date I never knew I had.  So there may or may not be a warrant out for my arrest right now, which is totally sweet.  I get in touch with our local court house and they said it's been suspended because I failed to pay one of my tickets (Penndot says its the court date thing), but I did pay it.  They have a record of me paying, problem is they got it a few days late and there was a late fee of a few dollars, which has since grown to like $75 or so.  Today I get a letter saying that I owe Penndot $0.00.  Yes ZERO dollars.  They sent me a letter saying I need to send a check in the amount of $0.00 to get my license restored.  So my license has been suspended because they got a check for a ticket a few days late, but they never let me know I still owed money on it, they set up a court date without letting me know which I missed on account of the not knowing about it, and now I have to send a check for zero dollars with some other form to get my license back.  Ill scan and post the letter from them when I can find a scanner around here.

MIA

So Ive been absent a while, not for lack of stories or insanity in my life, just lack of time to write.  I will be posting a shitload of stuff in the next few days as my life has gone plaid.  Later this year after I quit January 15th (I guess thats next year) I will be posting my daily chronicles of my Xcountry trip.  Hopefully I'll have my license back before I leave.  Enjoy the next 100 posts this week. 

Riddle me this

So I wrote a post about last Saturday and saved it on Word at home and keep forgetting to post it.  Until I do I'll leave you with this riddle:  what has 2 arms, 2 legs, has a last name that rhymes with Shmevgas and is going to jail..........or getting stabbed?